two7zero3

Saturday, October 23, 2004

my brother is a fuking retard who thinks so highly of himself.fuk him. as of this moment. i am too pissed off...totally...utterly..pissed.damn him.this year.i failed. i made a resolution last year.to learn to control myself.to not blow up so easily.i tried very hard.and yet...i failed dismally. wads more. it aint on once..but on 2 occasions. twice i lost it. twice i felt the bitter anger.twice i let my anger and hate fuel me.twice i lost the unending battle to myself. twice i let myself revel in the defiled depths of my vileness.twice. and this was one of them. kind of stupid how it happened. he came to mi and irritated mi.was already feeling abit pissed at that instant. i turned around and said shut it.parents not in.so.he came aand disturbed somemore.i pushed him awae.fists raised.he came at mi.hit mi once.i lost it.for that brief instant.i totally lost it.that kind of feeling.exhilarating.hate.anger.flowed through my blood.i merely shoved him up into the air.sent him crashin onto the floor.den my obscured senses was hit with realism.i lost it.damnit.patience.determination.self control.all gone in that instant. he came again.i pushed him out of the room.locked the door.i heard him going to the kitchen.to get a weapon or sumthing.guess he lost it too.this are the times.i hate myself.losing control.why?i don't noe.i don't understand.how easy would it be if the world was rid of anger and hate. how easy that would seem.how.its no use saeing this.fact.i lost it.i hope nothing terrible will happen.i hope not to lose it .i hoped. yet. i lost it.i hate that feeling.of pure hatred.everytime i lose myself in it.it feels horrible.i shall again tell myself to calm down.to put wad has happened behind me. make again a choice.to control myself. will it ever work for sure.i noe it won't.i hope none of my frenz would ever haf to witness any of these.hope.thats all i can do.my fuse has grown but it does not extend forever.i hope to find peace someday.someday. i will learn from this. become a better person. but what i did can never be atoned for.


ticktick # 8:12 PM