two7zero3

Friday, June 09, 2006

dunno why i'm blogging. juz coz i'm trying to waste time here? hahas. wonder what will come out of this man.. typing random stuffs into the computer almost everyday. logging down certain stuffs that may seem important to me. but the crux. hahas. not everythign u wanna say can be put down. why? coz it's a public thing u know. seriously i sometimes think about why i blog. when i can't really put everything i want to down. a blog is something like a diary rite? and what's the use of a diary if u can't pen down everything. what's the use of words if u can't say what u want. what's the use of life if u can't live it fully. i guess this post is gonna be another one of those reflecting..remorseful..blah. posts that seem to increasingly populate my blog. i wonder why...looking back at my older posts..well i definitely write very different stuffs then as compared to now. then again...my oldest posts have been lost. no idea why. seems like i never started this blog. it just sprouted out somewhere. in the middle of my life. it gave me an outlet to express myself. yet it set boundaries to what i could express. u know why i like to run more nowadays? it takes my mind off lotsa things. when you're running...its juz u against urself. battling the thought of giving up and walking which would definitely be there. thats where i can triumph over the weak me. i juz think solely about . moving on. maybe its a reflection of my life. i run away from things i dun want to admit. don't want to look at and regret. don't want to. but i guess its literal in this case. maybe one day i'll try going to a breakwater in one of my runs. yup. one thing great about those places? i can shout myself hoarse . shout whatever i want to the sea. hopefully i can feel better then. hahas. thinking about this. i see another flaw in me. i'm selfish. sadly. i'm very selfish. everything i do seems to be about me. for me. i try to give and in the end. i still end up taking more. i can't seem to push myself to help. or give. in many circumstances just because i would look or feel awkward in doing so. i'm not sensitive. i literally brush ppl aside sometimes. i wonder why i'm like this. i wonder whether i'm able to change. hahas. suddenly dun feel like blogging anymore. well. i shall not dwell on the past any longer. i shall keep them as memories. not just plain memories but beautiful ones. but memories nonetheless. i shall move on . and no longer choose to look back. people change. i did too. i guess thats why the past is the past and the present is now. who's to know what the future holds? for now i shall contend myself with this bunch of people whom i hold close to me. i shall look out for them. i shall give to them. i shall sacrifice for them for in the little which i value myself. i know i can still make a difference in their lives. (yesh ys . we all make a difference) i chose. and i chose to give up in the end. it sometimes is really hard when it seems that you're the only one trying. seems. i guess it's just another one of those selfish thoughts of mine. well. i chose odac over the past. the past i'll leave to u to interpret. but u know u won't get any answers. for it's locked somewhere . where the beautiful memories lie.


ticktick # 3:09 PM